Why is it important to know you’re mentally sick before it’s too late?

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Hi, I’m Sheetal. Presently working in a logistics company and freelance writer and editor. I work from Monday to Saturday straight for 9 hours in a quiet distant bureau from home. Life has been kind to me since I started taking my mental health seriously, which I tend to share with someone who might be in a place like me.

There are difficult times still. I still break down to a point of not surviving the emotional phase. Yet, I survive, yet, I am optimistic. I don’t compare my bad to anyone worst coz I know that will make matters worse as it gets to a point where you think the world is the worst place for a human being like you in an inhumane world like this.

It was all amounting to my breaking up to a point where I just wanted to kill myself and get over with once it for all. I came out of my suicidal thoughts by talking to my best friend and my sister. Trust me, it wasn’t easy. It still isn’t. But I am breathing, that all matters, isn’t it?

"The more you hide your feelings, the more they show.
The more you deny your feelings the more they grow".

As my best friend who was unable to see me cry and exhausted to talk about the same thing advised me to stop talking about it. It will take my mind off of it. This will help me heal. The conclusion to this was I became silent. Though I was never a very vocal soul, now I had become a deadly silent person. It’s not that I don’t talk. I just reply now. I don’t initiate a conversation, nor do I know what were the conversation starters are, even with my best friends.

Hiding is not the solution,

Asking for help is”.

The outcome of that was – my decline in mental health taking a toll on my physical health to an extent of my being lost rapid weight and being detected with asthma at the age of 22 to get sick more often.

Speak up?

To summarize my mental health, I cry more than I talk. I get panic attacks on small little things not of importance. My concentration level has drastically reduced. The feeling of detachment from the things I once liked doing the most. The major fraction of this was the constantly running negative thoughts, the imaginary scenario of me hurting my feelings was the worst of all.

Was it all worth it? Pretending to be fine? Was it?

To be honest, It did help me in the beginning. I won’t deny it at all. The pretending thing did me good as I am the highest-paid in my peer group. I am independent financially. I am a very convincing person, susceptible able to build confidence and a quick learner.

I thought I am getting better by concealing it, but I was extremely mistaken. Just like you can not treat acne from a face pack, you cannot overcome extreme mental health problems by not talking to someone.

You need to get it out, to let it go!

Things that helped me –

1) Talk about it – the most important thing is to confine your feelings to someone who makes you realize you are too good for the world. Who makes you understand and appreciate who you truly are. You don’t need a bunch of people for it. A good friend/sibling/professor/ counselor is all you need.

2) Count your blessings – when you’re all negative, having existential crises, you forget to see who you truly are. You’ve got more potential than you think. In my case, I could get the highest paying job in the mid of a pandemic when people are being kicked off from their jobs. I’ve got better-grasping abilities than most. I am well informed of the surrounding. Merit history student. I think I am beautiful too. So are you. We just don’t see it when we are too consumed by our deteriorating minds.

3) Stop thinking of what people will think of you? – Half of our problems begin with thinking about others opinion on our self. Yes, it is the universal truth, we cannot take what bad people speak about us. Some confront and some keep it in the mind as long as they’re eventually consumed by these negative thoughts. Cut ties with people who trigger your emotions. You don’t need the emotional burden of the people you consider your friends/relatives.

4) Know your limits – it is important to treat yourself as fragile. We’re our enemy, we push our boundaries for others by gifting them things, lying to them, helping them, taking their emotional baggage for the sake of our mental health. Only if we treat ourselves like we do to others, we’ll be able to overpower all this at once.

5) Say No – A simple no is a no when it is going to cost you your peace. A weak moment of lapse can cause you years of getting out of it. Like how you overthink almost everything, think about the worst possible outcome of your one wrong step in the wrong direction.

6) Healing takes time – Like how it takes time to get abs or to get out of viral fever, it takes an eternity to get your mental illness on track. It’s not easy, there are so many high and low points. You looked good and worse the other day. You’ll think it won’t work, nothing will help but it will with time

7) Choose the right distractions – When you lose someone when you are not ready, they leave room in your life. To fill this space/emotions, we tend to fill it with all possible reprehensible acts that will add to deteriorating mental health. The wrongdoing is alcohol, grass, cigarettes, pots and pans, drugs, one-night stands, going out with random strangers, trusting a stranger on the Internet and so on. Instead, choose your space in building yourself. I started learning the violin (learning an instrument is the promising thing to do in a time of despair), gardening, sketching, painting, watching science fiction than romantic genre, morning walk, having a body goal to look your best and healthy and meeting your friends, taking a break to your everyday life and to appreciate yourself every day in the mirror for not breaking to and be a counselor to yourself. It helped me so you will too.

“All things are difficult before they become easy”

“Time is the key to all and patience is all you need”.

There are difficult times still. I still break down to a point of not surviving the emotional phase. Yet, I survive, yet, I am optimistic. I don’t compare my bad to anyone worst coz I know that will make matters worse as it gets to a point where you think the world is the worst place for a human being like you in an inhumane world like this.

If I and 3 out of 4 like us can survive it, so can you!

We can, We should,

We will.


Chhap Tilak – Amir Khusro

Chhap tilak sab cheeni ray mosay naina milaikay
You’ve taken away my looks, my identity, by just a glance.

Chhap tilak sab cheeni ray mosay naina milaikay
You’ve taken away my looks, my identity, by just a glance.

Prem bhatee ka madhva pilaikay
By making me drink the wine of love-potion,

Matvali kar leeni ray mosay naina milaikay
You’ve intoxicated me by just a glance;

Gori gori bayyan, hari hari churiyan
My fair, delicate wrists with green bangles in them,

Bayyan pakar dhar leeni ray mosay naina milaikay
Have been held tightly by you with just a glance.

Bal bal jaaon mein toray rang rajwa
Apni see kar leeni ray mosay naina milaikay
I give my life to you, Oh my cloth-dyer,
You’ve dyed me in yourself, by just a glance.

Khusrau Nijaam kay bal bal jayyiye
Mohay Suhaagan keeni ray mosay naina milaikay
I give my whole life to you Oh, Nijam,
You’ve made me your bride, by just a glance.

Chhap tilak sab cheeni ray mosay naina milaikay
You’ve taken away my looks, my identity, by just a glance.

‘Chhap Tilak’, one of the beautiful creations of Amir Khusro. This poem/Gazal is written in the 14th century and yet it feels like the fresh wave. I conclude it as the feeling of ‘love’ has the same kind of effect on people irrespective of the era they’re of.

I always was in a conflict with myself regarding the taste of the music I really like. I tried almost all kinds of music around me. None I can say is what I really liked. None of them appealed to be mine. None to appeal to my soul.

However, I recently discovered my true self and most importantly my true vibe and type. One of the perks of this discovery was finding my music. The one I truly enjoyed. The one for my soul. The one I can listen to in the night and the one I can listen to in my travels. Sufi songs and gazal are one of them. According to many people around me, I have ‘the old soul, slow, boring vibe’.

Sufi songs & Gazals according to me is like a fine old wine. Aged with grace and are exceptionally divine, soulful and meaningful.

Hiding your tastes, likes, wants and needs because it’s not according to the era we live in doesn’t make any scene. Why should you pretend be someone who is not you? Why someone else’s happiness matters more than your own?

I’ve discovered myself quite late in life and not a chance I’m going to let anyone supress this special beautiful little thing about myself, for me.

Happiness or choices made on someone else’s checklist can’t keep you happy or content for long. They’re personal. They should make you happy unless it’s not hurting anyone in any way.

The translated meaning of Chhap Tilak will help you understand how love feels or it will remind you what you once felt in love. I’ll highly recommend you listen to the calming voice version of this poem by Asees Kaur.

Chasing the Dream Internship!

The year 2020 has been the worst possible year for many. People have been hit physically, mentally and financially. There’s no job, no vacancies, no hope. And if you live in a country like me, which is over populated than there’s an opening for 1/1000s.

I graduated in the year 2020. Like most of the other fields, my last year exams were also hit by Covid. The exam’s were delayed and so was the results, that came out 5 months late from its regular schedule. Passing out in this Corona Era is the worst thing to happen for any graduating student. We didn’t get our much awaited convocation ceremony, no formal goodbye to our college life. Our college life ended one day without even realising it as our last of our college life.

Speaking of Vacancies, their’s no vacancy, no openings, no hiring. And for a fresher like me with no earlier experience, has no value in the market. We are standing last in the line where 100s and 1000s with many years of experience in their résumé are standing ahead of us. Even if we get selected, we’re burdened with oodles of work in minimum wages at a distinct place and in tedious working hours.

I was reading the newspaper few days back and there was an article on deteriorating mental health of youth in our country. The youth or to say the future of the country is on the edge of breaking down. Reason? No hope, no opportunities, no ray of sunshine.

Most of my classmates are kicking hands like me for an opportunity to just START their life. It is taking a troll on many people I know in my peer group.

Speaking of myself, I don’t like to idolize myself. I started my own small startup of handmade resin, real flower jewellery from my savings. It is running pretty good for a startup. But like most of the small-scale start-up, you invest more and more than what you get. So, to fund my startup, I started to think of part-time jobs. I got extremely lucky when the dream opportunity knocked my door, upfront. I didn’t have to do anything for it (not really).

Jennie ma’am, (last year professor) my savior who thinks I have that potential and spark in me casually brought up to me this lifetime opportunity to work with this known writer. He’s known to work with some amazing famous people. He’s done some amazing work as a screen play writer, script writer, author and many more to his talents. I was automatically drawn towards him. Why will one not?

Jennie ma’am gave me his number, I messaged him my details, earlier research project and reference. I could see he has read my message because the double tick has turn blue (Mark Zuckerberg’s Mercy) . However, he didn’t reply to my messages but he messaged me upfront, a month later saying he missed my message in the Emporia of messages. It shocked me. I was on cloud 9, literally. He asked me to call him the next day to confirm a date for an interview.

I called him on the exact day at the exact time, he asked me to. He didn’t answer. I panicked because I called him a minute late. I gathered my breath and called him back after 5 mints.

Goddddd!! He answered. He sounded nice. He sounded calm and composed. He asked me about myself and he casually introduced himself and he talked a great deal about his need. But I knew something had to go wrong with this beautiful conversation we were having in the middle of the road, so it did. My phone’s recharge ended in the middle of our beautiful conversation. I was shaking in the middle of the road. Luckily, I had the mobile data to quickly recharge my phone. So I did and he answered too. I apologized for the error. He was kind to ignore my silly mistake. He asked me message him post holidays for the appointment. Yet again, I messaged him a day late after he told me too.

The reason is stupid. I misread the date for the appointment and I was in my worst mental health state and also as I didn’t wanted myself near Bandra on that particular day! However, he again didn’t reply to my apology message.

Hello, did you not notice? I am stubborn. I pinged him back again keeping my self-esteem aside, this time saying, It’s a lifetime appointment for me and many of those flattering words which I genuinely mean. He replied. He fixed my appointment the very next day at a café shop nearby his place. God, I was back on the clouds.

THE DAY of the meeting finally came, I dressed myself in semi formals. I reached the site before time and waited for him for almost an hour. He should have been there by 2pm. He was late by 20 mints. He arrived. His height and aura was confident and intimidating. He was in casual clothes. He was wearing a blue t-shirt and a black jeans. When he arrived, I stood up and greetings and salutations took place. He spoke a great deal of his work and about his upcoming projects. He asked me about myself, where I lived, my college, parents and my start-up. He showed a great deal in my handmade jewellery and he also wanted to see my website. He asked me to show him a picture of my parents, which I still don’t know why he did that.

Anyway, he asked me of my past experience and my salary expectations. I told him, I’m a fresher and as my sister told me to tell him ‘whatever is proper as per the market value’. I relayed her exact words. He as I have no experience in this field WILL HIRE ME as an intern in a very unexpected amount which I didn’t even though of. I was so happy. I can’t express.

The meeting came to an end. He said some really humble and kind words to me about my appearance and the warmth, he felt. He liked my vibrant nature. He asked me to message him everyday on whatsapp at 6pm for work. I didn’t have to go the office or see him everyday. It was work from home. In my comfort zone and in my flexibility. What can I expect more? It was like magic. Unbelievable and Dreamy.

After our meeting ended he messaged me within an hour saying you can start messaging me from 26th of Jan after he’s back from him yet another holiday. This time I had put an alarm of 5:59pm to message him on exact 6 pm like he said.

He replied to my ‘hello sir, what should I do’ message within 30 mints. He said message me the same thing again the next day. I did. He didn’t reply. I continued messaging him for more than a week. I could see the double tick turning blue but there was not reply or anything from him. My morale was bending low. Shattered. I didn’t know what to do. I thought maybe he’s testing my determination. Maybe, he busy. Maybe this, maybe that. There were unending maybe’s to this internship. I spoke to my best friend about him and my sister too. They asked me to stop because he’s given me no letter of internship, no email as a proof of me working for him.

I messaged him gathering my guts ‘hello sir, has the project gone on hold? Seen, no reply. I was sure in my head to not message him again. However, I knew how badly I’m in need of this Internship. So, I messaged him again for the last time, this time just ‘Hello Sir’. Seen, no reply.

I was heart-broken, shattered, unmotivated and in tears. After a month of not hearing anything from him and not getting any sale from my handmade jewellery store, I was in on the edge of breaking down or I was already broken. I don’t know. All I knew was my mental health was at its worst.

When you see your family struggling due to financial condition, the air you breath in becomes suffocating. You can feel the toxicity in the very air you once took the fresh breath.

I got a call from my cousin today. She told me about this 9-7 job in a back office at a quite distinct place. The job sounded nothing like me. It was the exact opposite of the internship I was chasing and kicking my hands off. I remind myself ‘beggars can’t be chooser’ and also my current degrading financial problems. I said yes to her, gave her my résumé.

Back in my mind, I was unmotivated, scared, lost, angry. I was crying. I could feel all kinds of emotions pouring out of me at once.

I messaged the writer guys today after almost a month in the hope of an enclosure from him. Yet again, seen no reply.

I messaged Jennie ma’am about the internship writer guys. I told her I’ve chased him and shared with her the screenshot of his and my conversation. Told her how unmotivated and helpless I feel. I requested her to ping me up for any vacancy she sees. She replied yes! I know it’s true, it is not right but there’s nothing she can do. I said okay ma’am, thankyou.

Unexpected things happened, he replied after 2 hours, saying he saw I stopped messaging him so he thought I was busy.

He asked me to continue messaging him even if he doesn’t reply. He does that to all his interns. To check there potential as a team. I said I’m sorry. He sent me a bit emoji of his thumb.

I’m in 2 minds now, is this internship ever going to flourish me or was I to become as most of the interns everywhere in the world? Used and Unpaid?

Will keep you posted, whatever happens next!

Dear me,

I know you had a difficult day today. I know the entire year has been difficult for you. I know the dream you had last night, terrified you. I know you wanted to forget it like most of the good or even worst dreams you ever had. I know how you felt seeing someone from the past unexpected, today. I understand your fear. I know your anxieties are getting worst. I know you’re exhausted. I know you’re tired of trying again and again. I know you’re scared of many things. I know your negative thoughts are running free. I know you’ve thought more than once to end yourself to find ease, peace and end.

Trust me, It will all be fine. I trust you. You’ve not given up yet for a reason and You will not even if things go bad to worst. You don’t have to be strong because I know you already are. You’re more than what you think. You’re more than what you are.You don’t need to compare yourself with anyone. Things will take time. You will be fine. Things won’t change overnight but it will surely go away with time. You have me. I’ve always got your back.

Dear me,

I will always be there for you!


“He just not raped her body but he raped her brain too”.

Have you ever thought what is to be like in a position of being totally helpless, stamped, thrown, beaten, coercion, bitten, forced, abused and experiencing an extreme level of pain all together at the same time?
Have you ever thought what is going inside the head of a person, who has hands but tied? Who’s screams are not audible? Who’s blood and pain are not visible?
Also, can you imagine the pain, the unnatural pain given by the exact same being as you?

Rape isn’t just limited to women,
but men too.

Rape isn’t just limited to night time,
but brought daylight too.

Rape isn’t just limited to the fields,
but in the MNC’s too.

How worst can it get? How long will this go? When will it stop? When will she get justice? When will he get justice? When will we stand up for him? When will she be able to walk free in the night? When will she feel safe around men on the streets in the night?

Rapist can’t be justified by unemployment, illiteracy,  poverty or urges. Rapist are just the disturbed mind, human predators who should be dealt with the worst punishment by the authorities in the public domain so that next time, there should not/will not be no next time. Period.

Are you Judgemental?

Seeing people crying over the internet is annoying, isn’t it?
Seeing someone always posting sad quotes or song on there Display or Stories is also annoying, isn’t it?
Having a friend who’s always sad or depressed over their ex, career, life, is also annoying at some point of time, isn’t it?

I myself have been that type of a person, ‘THE JUDGEMNTAL TYPE’. But have you wonder why people really do that? What is the reason behind it? Why are they so depressing? What are they trying to achieve by this?

You really thinks someone would like or choose to be unhappy, sad and depressed all the time? Do you really think being sad is the real fun?

The answer lies in question itself. They’re depressed, sad and lonely. They don’t have anyone to share there feelings. They literally have got no-one. They don’t know what will help them heal. They don’t know which way to go, which path to choose or what choices to make.

By posting these details online they are actually seeking for emotional support, they’re seeking for attention, they’re asking for help and they’re in a desperate need of someone. (Note: It’s not the right thing do. To seek help online is exactly the same as finding diagnosis on Google than seeing a proper medical professional)

Busting out the emotions on the internet is never a good idea. It’s not the solution. It’s not the way to get help. It’s not the right thing to do.

My parents have always taught me, ‘If you see someone in need, your first instinct should be to reach out and help’. You never know what a person is going through. How difficult it for them to deal with the loneliness and sadness with every passing day.

The world is a cruel place. You get conned, you get cheated, you get the opposite of what you deserve from the very person you lean on to in a very unthinkable way.

People are unpredictable. Life is unpredictable.

A lonely person needs a company and a depressed person needs just a good listener.

All I know is one day I or you might be the vary annoying person on the internet, crying, lonely, seeking for attention, love and care. What will you do than?

So stop Judging someone before knowing their circumstances, the real story or the real misery. You never know your one bad or evil comment on them can lead them into taking an extremely drastic step.

Looking after someone is much better, more cool and even peace giving than judging and commenting evil.

The world will be a better place even if you alone work on it to be.

Feel free to reach out on my mail if you wish to talk and share your feelings  –

Something doing the right thing does not make you happy?

It’s hard to express some feelings you’re going thought at times,
You know exactly what you’re feeling,
You know exactly why you’re feeling this way,
You choose these feelings because you thought you did the right thing but now you’re miserable, anxious, lost, lonely, depressed and sad but with a clean conscious, honesty, integrity which is rare.

All you need to know is you’re not alone, there are plenty of you and me, drowning in deeper and deeper, thinking it is the end and you shouldn’t have done the right thing, thinking I was better on the sinking ship than this or to return.

Denying yourself the one thing or that one person you truly want isn’t easy, it looks impossible but sometimes it is just for the best.

Accepting isn’t easy, Change isn’t easy, it takes lots and lots of time.

Sometimes hardest things makes a big difference in yourself, you can change for good, you can change for the best, You get a another chance to explore what you truly need to be genuinely happy than to just compromise and adjust.

You are rare,
And rare is priceless!


You’re not the maker of the human body or the nature, than who gave you the rights to define what is perfect and how people should look and be?

Facial Features or Body are not the definition of being perfect or happy but it is the reason of plenty of people with low self-esteem and lack of self confidence.

Imagine, if today the changes and everyone started to look alike. Same faces, same voice, same height, same weight, would you love to be in it?

Will that make you happy, Finally? Will that satisfy you, finally? I’m sure it won’t. A boring robotic world.

Or are you ok with the fact to make yourself stand out, you use your unkind and unschooled words to define others inferior and imperfect?

And to be be the reason of someone’s unbearable misery? Therapy Bills? Popping pills? Lack of sleep? Obesity? Skipping food? Deteriorating physical and psychological health? Are you okay with it?

We look different from each other for a reason and you’ve got no right on pointing fingers on somebody else’s life.


Time changed so quickly and bushhh our daily routine isn’t normal anymore!

Who would have thought we’d be breathing in the fresh-unpolluted air with a mask on?

Going out for grocery shopping would be our only gateway from home?

Work from home would turn out to be a nightmare than getting into a peak hour train or bus?

Following the queue for everything and mocking others for the same, when we all knew pull out, through out?

Digital classes, which one just dreamed about to be in our school back in 20’s, will result in online classes and lectures at home by 2020?

The Backbone, our staff and house help were actually taking our so much tantrums and doing us so much more than for what we paid them?

Who would have thought of making fast foods and authentic dishes, we ate ones just on the streets or in a restaurant, would be a task, challenge or fun at home all by ourselves?


For sure life and world in a broader picture, after the Lockdown or Corona Crisis, will not be easy and same.
We will for sure face economically, financially, and career wise but we will turn out to be more thankful and generous towards everyone and everything.

We will come out to be more attentive in a conversation or even in a boring lecture.

We will look out for each other’s back and we will understand each other much better.

We will be nothing but thankfull for our healthy and hearty family, friends, staff and almost eveyone we know.

We will live a little more, we will live in the present for once and we will live our each day to the fullest.

We will come out strong, we will come out as our 2.0 and WE WILL DEFINITELY COME OUT OF THIS.

Words of Swing Cycle

Sometimes, all this feels like the best, Sometimes, all this feels like horror.

Sometimes, all this feels like normal, Sometimes, all this feels like dying.

Sometimes, all this feels like I can handle it, Sometimes, all this feels like I won’t be able to.

Sometimes, all this feels like my choice, Sometimes, all this feels like I am just a puppet.

Sometimes, all this feels like a dream, Sometimes, all this feels like a nightmare.

Sometimes, I feel so strong, Sometimes, I feel too broken.